The Sadness In Control
by Books In the Blood
Summary: Ian is always in control of his emotions; he's always strong for the people around him. Inside, though, his emotions are in turmoil and when he and Barbara have an argument he is forced to put away the Joy that he normally displays and embrace the Sadness that really is in control of his emtions, both for his sake and Barbara's.


"We always wanted to come back. Think about how many times we talked about coming home." Ian would tell Barbara with a smile when she would look out the window on a quiet day and sigh sadly, forlornly.

"We got to experience adventures and see things we should never have seen. We are so lucky" Ian would tell Barbara when she would get sad and wonder where the Doctor was and how he would do without them.

"It's okay….it's okay. You're fine, you're safe" Ian would whisper to Barbara as he held her in the dark when she would wake up scared, seeing alien threats in her dreams.

Always with a smile, always calm; Ian was always in control. Sometimes the sorrow would get to Barbara. Despite the fact that they were happy, truly happy to be home, it couldn't stop bits of sadness from creeping in. Traveling with the Doctor changed your life. It was wild and amazing but sometimes it was scary and it left you seeing the world completely different when you came back than when you left it. Sometimes, Barbara had a hard time; Ian was okay.

 _"_ _Joy…..Joy…its time"_

 _Joy's hands froze on the controls but he didn't release his hold on them. He didn't turn and look at Sadness but he could feel his eyes on him. He kept his eyes trained on Ian and his hands shook. "It's not time. Ian's happy…..leave him alone"_

 _"_ _He's not happy. He needs to be unhappy" Sadness insisted._

 _Joy still resisted looking at Sadness. Sadness had a point and Joy knew it but he didn't want to admit it. Sadness and Joy had battled for control of Ian's emotions most of his life and while Ian's need to be strong for the people around him meant Joy was at the helm a lot of the time, Sadness was in control. He always had been and he always would be._

The water soaked through Ian's shoes and into his socks, making his feet ache with cold. His thin rain jacket did little to keep him warm. The weather was awful, even for London, but some part of him relished it. He was aching cold; soaking wet and somehow delighted in it. If it had been bright and sunny he would have been mad. But the rain and the dark was perfect for today. Perfect on the day where he and Barbara had had the worst fight they'd ever had. Perfect for the day that Barbara had looked into his eyes and said that maybe they shouldn't be together anymore.

 _"_ _Joy, STOP"_

 _Sadness grabbed Joy by the shoulders and turned him around to face him. The other emotions watched in tense silence as they always did when they battled for control but even they knew this was more important. This wasn't about keeping Ian from having a bad day; it might be about saving his marriage and his sanity._

 _Sadness was crying when Joy looked into his eyes but they were silent tears, running down his blue face with no sound._

 _"_ _I want Ian to be happy" Joy said, his voice shaking. It's all he'd ever wanted._

 _Sadness put a hand on Joy's shoulder. "I know, Joy. But Ian_ needs _to be sad. For him, for Barbara. If he doesn't face it, he might never be happy again."_

 _Joy felt like crying; it was so rare for him. "I know" he said reluctantly._

Ian walked until his fingers and toes were numb. He walked until every inch of his skin was shivered from constant contact with wet clothing. He walked until it was so dark he could barely see his hand in front of his face and his heart felt as bleak as the weather.

When Ian finally wandered back home, Barbara was still up. She was sitting in her chair in the living room, crying. The fire in the fireplace glinted off her skin so that even weeping she looked beautiful. Ian felt a wave of pressure and sorrow inside his chest building so it was hard even to breathe. _Maybe we've been together too long….I think we both want different things now. Maybe we only ended up with each other because we had to after what happened._ Barbara's words from earlier cut him to the core as he watched her. Couldn't she see how much he still loved her desperately? Why couldn't he make her see?

As soon as Barbara noticed him she was on her feet and coming toward him. "I'm sorry, Ian…I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I was just mad" she said in a sobbing voice. She wanted to come to him, to embrace him he could tell, but she held off for fear he didn't want her to.

Ian could feel a burning lump forming in his throat and his eyes were growing blurry. He could feel the tears coming on despite his desire to stop them. He couldn't cry in front of Barbara; he never had before. But he could feel all the suppressed need inside him coming at him at once. All of the times he missed traveling through space, all the ways that he felt differently about the world, how out of place he felt sometimes now…all the times he'd had nightmares and had quietly laid awake beside Barbara because he didn't want her to worry; it was a tidal wave that he couldn't possibly hold back.

"I'm sorry…Barbara…..I'm sorry" Ian said, his voice cracking and breaking as the tears began to stream from his eyes. "I know you need me to be strong for you but I don't feel strong right now. I don't know what I feel…..sometimes I don't even know what I am anymore. I loved the traveling and I love our life now but sometimes…sometimes I don't feel like I belong in either. Sometimes I don't know where home is anymore."

Ian was sobbing, truly and fully sobbing now and he felt ridiculous. He should stop, he should put on a brave face he knew…..but he just couldn't. Once he started he couldn't stop.

But then there were hands around him, pulling him close and consoling him. Barbara was hugging him tightly and he could feel her shaking from her own tears. She wasn't running and she wasn't judging him for letting go; suddenly, crying felt good. It felt right.

"Home is right here with me" Barbara said, squeezing him against her. "No matter where we are, we are home together. You don't have to be strong; you just have to be you, Ian."

Ian was crying now half from the overwhelming sorrow and half from the relief that he wasn't going to lose Barbara. "I love you, Barbara" he whispered, all he could manage through his tears.

"I love you too, Ian"

…

 _It was quiet in the console room. Joy and Sadness had piloted together in quiet unison as Barbara had relieved Ian of his many wet layers of clothes; he'd let her relieve even more of himself as he had cried softly and told her how lost he was. As they comforted each other, as they came together, Ian's emotions were a perfect mix of Sadness and Joy._

 _It was quiet enough now, as Ian lay in Barbara's arms, as he drifted off to sleep as she play with his hair, that Joy finally spoke._

 _"_ _Thanks, Sadness. For helping me…..for reminding me" Joy admitted reluctantly. "Sometimes I still forget how much he needs you. Today they both needed you."_

 _Sadness smiled the faintest trace of a grin. "No problem" he said softly. "He needs you just as much. Especially now."_

 _As Sadness sat back and let Joy take the controls, Ian settled deeper into Barbara's arms, smiling as he went to sleep. When a new core memory came off the line, the first they'd had in a long time, Joy was not surprised to see it blue and yellow mixed, full of Barbara's face and her voice whispering, "Home is right here with me"_

 _I know in Inside Out Sadness and Joy were female but people have speculated that could because she's a kid, she could be genderfluid, etc. Since Ian is an adult male I made all of the emotions in his head male as well. Thank you for reading; let me know what you thought! :)_


End file.
